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Long-Term Effects of Favoritism
Do you ever play favorites among your kids – or know parents who do? The impact, good and bad, may run deeper than you think.
Effects of parental favoritism, left unchecked, can be long lasting. A study titled Mothers' Differentiation and Depressive Symptoms Among Adult Children found siblings who sensed that their mom consistently favored or rejected one child over another were more likely to exhibit depression in middle age. The study, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, also revealed that these possible outcomes can affect both the favored and unfavored child.
Perception is everything
"It doesn't matter whether you're the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings," explains Dr. Karl Pillemer, Ph.D., director of the Cornell Institute for Translational Research on Aging and one of the authors of the article.
"The less favored kids may have ill will toward their mother or preferred sibling, and being the favored child brings resentment from one's siblings and the added weight of greater parental expectations."
Some positives
Long-term effects of being the favored child are not all negative. Ellen Weber Libby, Ph.D. asserts that there are, in fact, lots of advantages – including a bolstered self-esteem.
"The favorite child often grows up feeling confident and powerful with an attitude of 'I can get things done,'" says Dr. Libby, author of The Favorite Child: How a Favorite Impacts Every Family Member for Life.
Dr. Libby points out that every president since Franklin D. Roosevelt has been the favorite child.
"In interviews with Harry Truman's siblings during and after his presidency, they revealed that their mother loved them all equally – but there always something special between Harry and mom," Dr. Libby explains.
Negative effects
On the flip side, in the long-term, favorite children may struggle with intimate relationships when they find that no one can possibly love them as much as the parent who favored them.
"They're more likely to be depressed because they spent so much of their lives trying to court parental favor that they may not have developed their own personality," Dr. Libby says.
"Likewise, the overlooked child, who didn't have to do the 'pleasing dance,' may have been free to experience the things he or she wanted to experience and to be the person he or she wanted to be. On the other end of the extreme is the unfavored child, who is often on the receiving end of the parent's anger."
The unfavored child
The unfavored child perhaps stands to suffer the most – even long after he or she has left home whether it be through depression, weakened self-esteem or a chronic need to feel special. And in many cases, sibling relationships are strained as resentment from favoritism breeds.
"I see patients who, even well into their 50s, carry feelings about being the favored or unfavored child," Dr. Libby says. "I have a patient in his 60s whose mom is still alive. He still feels slighted when his elderly mom needs something and turns to his sister. He still wants to be seen as special to his mother."
Long term
Dr. Volling studies sibling relationships and knows all too well the devastating effects that can result from sibling relationships gone wrong particularly due to parental favoritism.
"When you're young, you have to live in the same household," she says. "When kids have grown and left the house, you'll see a lot of instances where siblings avoid each other to the point where they haven't talked in five years.
"The relationship can be that strained. And when parents get older, sibling rivalries don't necessarily end. They often rear their ugly heads again."
Growing up, my brother was the favored child and I was not. My parents expressed their favoritism by giving him whatever he wanted: expensive toys, cars, and funds for med school. Don't get me wrong - my parents loved me, just not as much as my brother. He was the center of my parents' lives and I lived on the periphery.
We are now both adults. He is very confident, and in some ways overly confident and arrogant. Very successful in his professional life. In his personal life he has hurt a number of people. Including my parents who expected much from him - instead he does not care much for them and has a strong sense of entitlement.
The tables have now turned, and as an adult I am now the favored child but only by default. I lack any kind of confidence and have been plagued by depression, sadness, and anxiety my whole life. I attribute much of this to the discrepancy in how we were raised.
Favoritism is bad for everyone.
Favoritism has run rampant in my family for at least 2 generations. My Father was favored as the oldest child and he in turn favored my Brother, the oldest child.
Results: My Brother is a monster who is arrogant and self serving in every way. My sister never received attention from my Father and is now on her third marriage and has disowned the family. We have no sibling relationship.
I never see my Aunt and Uncle since they scattered to lead their own lives and escape the blatant favoritism just as I did. I have cousins whom I hardly know.
Favoritism has destroyed my extended family. During the Holiday's I find myself very sad when I see extended families getting together. For years I tried to get together with my family, and I left feeling invisible and isolated.
Favoritism can be a form of emotional child abuse if taken to the extreme of my family.
The sad reality of favoritism in our family is that, I (the favorite) moved away and travel the world. The (less favorite) lives in the same town with our widowed mother. The sad reality is that my mother expressed to me over the holidays how lonely she is and doesn't like Christmas. Well, my sister does not see her much and at the moments they are at odds. I know that my mom is lonely at times but I also know that my sister does not have a real sense of loyalty to my mother due to her childhood. While it is sad, it is a very harsh reality of favoritism. I was always the one that protected my sister. When she would get punished and have to stay home, I would do something to try and get punished so that I could stay with her. When I didn't get punished, I finally just said I would stay home with her. So at times favoritism backfires also.
My family I think is very different from other families. I grew up trying to please both of my parents and only my father responded to my good behavior as a kid. My dad was the only one who didn't judge me or criticize me for who I am, whereas with my mother, it's a different story. She never really payed attention to my actions when I was younger. She worked late all time and hardly spent time with all five of her kids. I think I actually spent more time with my nanny than I did with her. And every time I asked her for advice, the times when I really needed a mother, she never wanted to speak to me, she always used to say to me, "I don't have time right now, daughter go play with the others." It still hurts me now as an adult because I know that my mother never loved me. She actually preferred my sister who is 3 years younger than me. I believe that my sister is her prized possession. And as adults just because my sister got pregnant before me and I am the oldest my supposed mother gives her full attention to her and leaves me hanging on the other side left out. When I try to confront my mother about this, she denies it and says that she loves all her kids equally, which I think is a big lie. If even my youngest little sisters can figure out that I am not my mother's favorite I am pretty sure even she knows it, however she's just lying to herself. I honestly, don't know what I did wrong as my mother's child to make her not love me the same as my 3 years younger sister who is 28 years old.
I am the most neglected kid in the home. My mother is really unfair. She always prefers a sister of mine. She is so dishonest that whatever I do she does not appreciate. She always thinks that appreciation is not made for me. She has hurting and bruising behavior. She hurts me all the time. I always thought that I am not her real daughter, because her behavior is worse than a stepmother's. I would never want to be a mother like this.