Stay-at-Home Moms More Depressed, Angry and Sad, Study Says

Do SAHMs feel emotionally worse off than working moms? Contributing factors can include under-appreciation and isolation.

Stay-at-Home Moms Depressed

Stay-at-home moms might struggle more than working moms, according to a new Gallup analysis of more than 60,000 U.S. women between the ages of 18 and 64 (before retirement age) interviewed in 2012.

The study found that 28 percent of stay-at-home moms reported depression a lot of the day when asked how they were feeling the day before, but only 17 percent of employed moms did. Of the group, 26 percent of SAHMs said they experienced depression, vs. just 16 percent of working moms. And 41 percent of the at-homers reported worry, compared to only 34 percent of their counterparts.

What women say

“Stay-at-home moms” are defined as women who are not currently employed and have a child younger than 18 living at home with them. “Employed moms” are defined as having a part- or full-time job and having a child younger than 18.

The study also examined employed women (without any kids under 18 at home) in comparison with the SAHMs and working moms. In this “no-kids-at-home” group, 17 percent reported feeling depression, 16 percent sadness and only 31 percent worry. Those stats are much closer to – some the same as – the ones reported by the employed moms.

Why are SAHMs sad?

But why do stay-at-home moms experience more negative emotions?

Many adults aren’t prepared for the immense amount of change in their lives that a child can bring. Reproductive health psychologist Sara Rosenquist says that when someone has a baby in our culture, or even adopts one, they can lose status, income, friends and the life they knew and were used to.

“They also gain the wonderful thing they had sought after oftentimes,” says Rosenquist, “but the loss is every bit as real.”

One reason stay-at-home moms might feel more down than working moms is a lack of appreciation – or a missing sense of accomplishment. At the end of the day, working moms can list a set of tasks they conquered, explains licensed counselor Erika Myers. But it can be difficult for a SAHM to pinpoint what she did during the day, even if she’s been busy the entire time.

“Moms do a lot of work but don’t get paid for it,” therapist and psychology professor Diane Lang said. “They work 365 days a year with no sick time, vacation time or time paid off.”

The isolation factor

Another aspect of being a stay-at-home mom that might contribute to anger and depression is isolation.

Working moms get to be “real” people with interests, skills and relationships outside of the home, Myers says. A stay-at-home mom must work hard to maintain relationships that aren’t about being a mom, because that’s what her life is focused on. Many SAHMs find they are friends with people they have nothing in common with – except their homemaker status.

Some days, a stay-at-home mom may not interact with any adults at all.

“Kids are great, (but) having conversations with children only over the course of the day can be isolating,” says Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, a psychologist and mother of two. “Social isolation can often lead to feeling sad and resentful.”

Combating the bad feelings

To help feel more accomplished at the end of the day, a SAHM can make a list of the tasks completed. Myers also recommends talking with a partner about the challenges of staying at home – and how the partner can help meet the stay-at-home mom’s needs for appreciation, understanding and connection.

Another crucial step? Take some time for yourself. Personal development and continued learning greatly boosts happiness. Lang says that many moms take classes at local libraries or adult education centers on cooking, scrapbooking, languages, etc. This helps with both social and intellectual stimulation that women might lack from staying at home.

Or consider joining a moms’ group, club or other social activity. If you’re concerned over the cost of childcare, there’s also the option of joining a church group or gym that has a nursery.

“Doing a childcare swap with another stay-at-home mom to allow some personal time each week, and filling that time with things that are personally satisfying – not just errands – can help the stay-at-home mom feed some of her own needs,” Myers says.

Bottom line

The results of this study don’t mean that women can’t enjoy being stay-at-home moms. Some moms find it very fulfilling to stay home and raise their kids. Heather St. Aubin-Stoutauthor, an author born in Detroit, left her career 25 years ago to do just that.

“I struggled with this, as I had been raised to be a career woman,” she says. “In hindsight, I’m glad I stayed home, because I won’t get those years back.”

Comments
  • I was a stay at home mom… My nephew once said to me… Aunt Ginny, you don’t do anything! He said, you are not smart! I still to this day remember that statement…. I CHOSE to stay home with my children… I was a licensed Realtor…. I am by no means “not smart”!!!!!! I truly believe we need more moms willing to sacrifice a second income for the welfare of our children!

    Reply
  • I am a stay at home mom and have been for the last five years. My advice to other SAHM is to have something of your own. It doesn’t really matter what it is, as long as it is something for you. I realized I was kind of getting fried and I needed to do something that had nothing to do with kids. The first thing I did was start a blog. It has tens of followers but that isn’t the point, it was something for me. It gave me a sense of community and it fought off feelings of isolation. I also started my own small business that I run out of my home. I make a little bit of money and it really is fun for me. I am ridiculously busy between home school, running my business, taking care of the littles, taking care of the household, and taking care of the blog. I would have it no other way! http://www.sprinklesofpeace.wordpress.com

    Reply
    • Stacey W.

      Thanks for your comment and for the wonderful advice for SAHMs!

      Reply
  • Being a SAHM is depressing, I always was independent owned my own house at 23 paid off my car had a great job w benefits, going to college to be a nurse. Btw I did this all single then my husband met me at church,chased my for a year we had our daughter. I have never felt so heartbroken alone, poor, angry, isolated, worthless, unapricated, not by my daughter but my husband. I lost my co workers, friends and family connecting a being a SAHM. My husband doesn’t want to connect w me or do anything and he’s always too tired

    Reply
  • As my name says,duh. I call my self the worthless disgruntled Sahm since I no longer look for work. I tell my kids to not grow up like their parents, leave this country and find a better place that respects you as a humans. They are gifted young kids who understand my unhappiness with this forced careerless path. I apologize to them every day for my inability to provide for them a house, extracurricular activities, and other items to increase thier chances of improving lives. Being a Sahm is a worthless role model for any young person.

    Reply
  • A sahm is no role model for our children.i don’t choose to stay home,I have to because my child has not yet been accepted to a daycare and we have no sitter. But I can not wait for that day to come. Being a sahm is very depressing, lonely and isolated. The worst part is, husband sees me as a worthless person and sees being home with kids as no job! I can’t wait to get my own job and not rely on anyone!

    Reply
  • I Have noticed this recently with my wife… i understand her depression.. i try and make an effort to make sure she feels appreciated. i try and help out around the house alot. and make a point to get her out even if im tired… i dont know what else i can do.

    Reply
    • i know what you mean. i work, come home, try to help her in any way. i try to take her out but our funds are low and our kids have behavior issues. im stuck between a rock and a hard place.

      Reply
    • Hi,
      If you’re doing all that you can to understand, appriecate, and romance her then maybe should could get her substitute teaching license and that way she could work when she wanted to without any pressure..?. Also make a date night once a month if at all possible. Or she could go to school online to get a degree at home. That could really help out when the kids get in school and daycare isn’t as much of an issue. Plus as the kids get older a family might need two incomes. I’m going to school online and trying to find a job that pays enough to make up for daycare and gas.

      Reply
  • Combating isolation right now, I see my husband from 6-8pm when we throws his cloths all over the house eats dinner and passes out on the sofa…..yes he works very hard hes gone most the day we can’t afford to have 2 incomes so he works very long hours, and not that I have to justify why I stay home but our children are very young and reports of abuse at day care centers leave us both horrified and I choose to make sure my children are very subjected to that type of disfunction. Any how we only have one car he takes to work an hour away ever day at 3am or I would just drive him to work, my family doesn’t call or stop by I’m literally alone 22hours a day and when my husband is here he seems irritated that I crave his interaction (not attention, don’t ask him for anything simple just speak words to me) I have thought about killing myself at times I only cook clean and changes diapers, take dogs out and my husband only talks to me when me needs something done/sex is once a month. He says just hang in there and he loves me but my children are anti-social since they never see people they cry incosolible when we are in public and I literal have zero joy in my life my kids don’t even let me hug then its screaming manipulating feed me and shitting their pants. I am a single mother with a paycheck no car and my husband does all the grocery shopping I can’t pick what I need or want to eat and usually we don’t get enough for me to eat along with the children I tend to forgot my meals so not to take food from my children’s mouths.

    Reply
    • I hate that you are feeling that way! My feeling go out for you. I am currently a stay at home mom but I am looking for a job that will be worth me working. It was not easy for me either be a stam but I feel you should still get romance and interaction with your husband. I also think you should do the grocery shopping, it helps to get you out the house for a little bit and women shop better than men do! I hope you can find happiness and look at the positive more but your husband may just need to understand better about how you’re feeling and maybe he can make you feel better overall! Good Luck!:)

      Reply
    • I just broke down in tears because I can feel your pain. At this very moment, my son is screaming and whining. It drives me totally insane! But at least he’s a child. My boyfriend is the one that really makes me depressed. And I feel so weak that I let another person control my emotional state. I used to be so lively and enthusiastic about life. I had so much potential. And I know I still do, and that I really am that outgoing gal. But in the depths of depression and the pressures of trying to do it all, I get completely overwhelmed and somehow convince myself that I am a loser. My boyfriend of 13 years is constantly saying that I don’t do anything, which makes me furious because I am constantly doing soothing. I clean up after him and my son continuously while also trying to pursue my real estate career, which I have no time for because I am busy with my son all day.

      Reply
  • My mother is a stay at home mom, but she is not depressed. On the contrary she has no ambitions in life (she has stated this explicitly) and despite my being in college now and my dad getting burnt out at work, she shuns all our suggestions of finding a job. She has no hobbies (except for going on the Internet to browse other people’s stories and live through them). I do need to thank her for doing the cooking and supporting our family in other ways. Overall though, it drives me crazy how she is a living double standard – she raised me to have many interests and be able to support myself, yet she does not want those things herself. I will have to agree that being a SAHM is a terrible terrible role model for your kid. While it is acceptable to do so when kids are young, you should definitely do something with your life once they are older. Otherwise, cooking and cleaning and doing other supportive housework becomes your entire life and something as simple as a comment on the taste of a meal will ruin your entire day.

    Reply

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