To all the moms and dads ready to rip their hair out because of their little darlings: This Oh Mother‘s for you! These six twisted inappropriate kids books are meant in good humor – offering an off-color smirk and hefty dose of commiseration. Heck, a few could even make great gifts for a new parent (thank goodness babies can’t read) – or one who’s been around the block and seen his or her fair share.
Masquerading as legit kid/advice reads, some poke fun at parenting and childrearing to give a much a needed laugh to those nightmare situations every mommy and daddy can relate to – while others are just plain funny. All are meant to lighten the mood of just how ridiculous life can get. Included is a little excerpt from each crass creation – for your pure, wicked enjoyment.
Warning: Viewer discretion advised. Sick sense of humor required. And please, browse these OUT of eyeshot of your own rug rats.
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“Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock. Because nobody likes a cockblock.”
This incredibly inappropriate yet too-true book will have parents feeling a little guilty for cracking up so hard. These woodland creatures just want their children to sleep and stop interrupting so they can get it on. Is that so much to ask? Some comic relief for both new and experienced parents. List price is $15. Find it on Amazon.
“The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest and the creatures who crawl, run and creep. I know you’re not thirsty. That’s bulls**t. Stop lying. Lie the f**k down, my darling, and sleep.”
This beautifully illustrated piece of art uses tasteful pictures paired with not-so-tasteful language to create a hilarious representation of what every parent is thinking while trying to lull their kid to sleep (c’mon admit it). Go the F**k to Sleep could be used to help a sleepy parent get a little comic relief from an otherwise unfunny situation. Do yourself a favor and listen to the audio narrative by Samuel L. Jackson.
“You woke me and asked for some breakfast, so why the f**k won’t you eat?”
Another title from the author of Go the F**ck to Sleep that’s equally as funny. The illustrations may fool you into thinking this is a great book for kids, but it is SO not. This book for mom and dad centers on how frustrating child diets can be and what an annoyance it is to fight their resistance to just effing eat! List price is $14.95, but Amazon has it for as little as $4.
“There are so many advantages to taking complete control over your child’s life. Really, what does she know? She’s just a kid!”
Is being a great parent not exactly your style? It’s overrated, anyway! Did your parents traumatize you? Of course they did! Complete the vicious cycle with this gem (probably better off as a what-not-to-do). Hone your skills of traumatization with this how-to: You will learn seven proven methods sure to screw up your kids for life. Grab a copy of it at Perpetual Kid for $10.99.
“And don’t think I forgot in this hullabaloo that the most special a**hole of all here is YOU! … ‘Cause just like the rest you care most about you and think that the world should act like you do.”
This one’s unfortunately not available for purchase, but head on over to College Humor to check out this charming tale about fedora-wearing, self-obsessed, late-arriving, flaky folks who are all a-holes for their own special reasons (and, y’know, mucking up your attempts at family bonding outside the home). Ahh, College Humor: Always handing out a hefty dose of life lessons from people who aren’t afraid to say exactly what they’re thinking.
“‘C’ is for cop with a big, shiny gun. Sneak up and tickle him! That’ll be fun!”
This heinous alphabet book takes you back to a time when you were a kid, flipping through an adorable, picture-filled publication and taking in all the information with wide-eyed amusement. Except, of course, that no child should ever read this. EVER. Chockfull of terrible advice for getting yourself into trouble, consider it a guide to bad decision-making. Find it at Barnes & Noble for $9.95.
“Paul can put his finger through mommy’s skull. Now YOU put your finger through mommy’s skull.”
A super sick parody based on the book we all grew up with, Pat the Bunny – except this time around, Pat is undead and Paul and Judy must try and survive his hungry wrath. Remember the cute felt bunny you got to rub your fingers on in the original? Now, the tactile experience involves using those tiny fingers to pull the intestines out of a blood soaked zombie-rabbit! Fun, right? Get it from Amazon for $9.57.
“‘We could make some rice, put a little curry on them, and have an Indian dish,’ someone suggested halfheartedly. ‘Perhaps a whiny-child vindaloo.’ They all tried to figure out if they were in the mood for Indian food.”
Finally, a book that could scare your little brat into behaving – without (necessarily) emotionally scarring them for life. On second thought, controlling your children with fear may not be the most advisable way of getting them to stop whining. But it’s sure is worth a try! You can find this book (complete with audio recording and a happy ending) at Koko, the online book retailer, for $10.99.
Now, clean up your act and learn some manners! These books will help.
This post was originally published in 2013 and is updated regularly.