Each month, we pose a parenting question from local moms and dads to local moms and dads. This month, one mom is wondering whether or not she’s right to love her kids more than her husband. Here’s what other local parents have to say on the issue.
Mom’s question
My husband thinks I love our kids more than I love him. If I am telling the truth, he’s probably correct, but I think that is the way it should be. He says that’s so wrong. Wondering what other parents think about this?
Metro Detroit parents’ answers
Maybe he is feeling like he is taking a backseat to their needs? Every couple needs an occasional date night – time to focus on what brought you together. Sounds like he just misses you a bit and doesn’t know how to communicate that. Basically, focus on why do you think he is saying this? What emotion in him is triggering this conversation in the first place? – Kris P.
A healthy strong relationship is based on communication. When my husband and I agreed on committing to a loving marriage, we made sure to meet each other’s families, sat down and discussed our goals personally and professionally, children, home, pets, likes and dislikes. And although it takes time to build a relationship it was important to discuss together before marriage. I believe husbands are the center of attention at first when married and then your children come and it becomes our children first and then us. For us it has worked well to place our children first and then us. We have a loving, caring, respectful, not perfect but great marriage. – Mia A.
There are different types of love when it comes to a spouse and children. You love your children but are “in love” with your husband, or you can say you are not “in love” with your children but yet you love them. Both are special types of love yet different. Love for children is unconditional and you chose to love a spouse. – Jennifer G.
Your husband needs to grow up! If your kids aren’t No. 1, there would be something wrong with you! – Dayna M.
A strong marriage makes a strong family. Sounds like he is missing you. Spend some time with him. Start dating again. Many times when the focus is on the kids and when they are grown and have moved out, many marriages break apart because the couple have lost their connection to each other. – Kristy B.
I personally think people compare the two way too often. You actually should love them both equally just in different ways. – Dianna A.
Husband first, then kids. Kids will grow and have their own families. He was there before, during and after the kids. – Jen E.
Personally, I don’t think you can compare the two. And if you can, then your marriage is in trouble. He sounds insecure and this competition he seems to have with your kids for your love sounds dangerous. – Sarah R.
I think both parents should prioritize the needs of the children. Love should never be compared. He sounds jealous, and I would be very uncomfortable with that. If he needed more of your affection, the mature and stable thing to do would be to tell you that without comparing the relationship you have with your children to the one you have with him. – Jen K.
They are two completely different types of love. You can and (probably) do love them both the same. You love your children as individuals yet part of you, as a teacher, chef, protector, nurse, boo-boo healer, advisor, cheerleader, disciplinarian, as THEIR everything. Your HUSBAND owns an intimate part of you as your lover, friend, confidant, protector, savior, through your tears, smiles, good and bad. – Dawn D.
Husband should be first. Secure marriage makes kids feel secure and it models healthy relationships for them. – Andrea J.
I would guess that he is saying this because your marital relationship isn’t getting the attention it needs, and this is his attempt to tell you that – not because he is insecure or trying to have a competition with your kids. I would look at the amount of time being invested in maintaining it. The marital relationship is equally important to a happy home and kids as is the parent/child relationship. Kids are very time consuming and can make it hard, especially when they are young. – Karen I.
I don’t see how comparing the two is useful. I love them differently, not more or less. My kids require more of my attention. It sounds like your husband wants more of yours. – Kate S.
Do you have a parenting dilemma that you’d like other parents to weigh in on? Send us a message on Facebook and we could ask our readers to help.
Just tired of wanting attention in marriage. Husband changed after having a kid. Things aren’t the same, it seems like husband doesn’t love me or wants to give attention to me . I’m struggling to keep our marriage good. I was really happy when I got married first but then after the baby arrival I don’t get things automatically I’m having to ask . I want things to be the same. I’m trying to keep marriage good
I don’t see a problem with my wife loving the kids more than me. As long as she realizes that I also love the kids more than her. If the house were on fire, there is no doubt who I would save first: The kids. Jealousy is such an ugly attribute in woman, and there’s nothing more pathetic than a woman who’s jealous of her own child. The kids actually enjoy me, greet me when I come home, tell me about their day, and are always up for a hug, kiss and cuddle. My wife is a jealous, selfish, entitled nag who has terrible parenting and homemaking skills and makes her family her absolute lowest priority. I’m through trying to make her happy. The best thing she could do for me is leave and never come back.
perhaps your wife has poor homemaking skills because you are putting your children before your marriage, possibly its due to you not being an active member of the household simply because you make money so feel as though that is your only obligation. sorry to break it to you but 99% of the time that husbands have these complaints about thier wives its due to negligence on thier part to prioritize your partner and thier needs. and of course seeing her as more than an incubator for your future offspring that from what I hear you take absolutely no part in actually raising. perhaps it is you who would be doing everyone a favor by leaving. since you don’t seem to want to actively participate and want to make it all her fault.
wow oh, wow… Assumption much? Try using critical thinking skills and not man bashing. we dont know enough to make assumptions like you’re doing. Maybe she’s hiding behind the kids; maybe you ARE correct, either way, the answer is “if your spouse is worth it, try to find the happy median.” There is ALWAYS one. Make it work!
lol… Seems as though you’re dealing with a narcissist… I hope you’re able to learn how to better deal with her personality type… We often become distanced over the course of years and if no effort is made, the distance only increases…. Sometimes i feel this way too…
it is not always a matter of jealous… sometimes needs are unmet and people have different coping mechanisms and hers may be partly reliant on her ego… She may not know understand how to communicate her feelings anymore. hard to say. there’s no backstory, no context.
Personally, my partner and I are at a stage of getting married soon enough. but we are analyzing each other’s temperaments, character traits, morals, values etc. So far I get the feeling that she will almost always put her children first and that if shit hits the fan, she’ll throw me out of the house. I feel as though if I’m married I will be the 4TH class citizen… Her->Kids->the pets–> then me. LOL… She had two children with her previous husband. I had no children with my previous wife. I’ve never had a problem with dating or marrying a woman with children. And With my current partner, i get along with her children very well and them with me. However, if I make any comment slightly negative or any form of criticism, I’m met with a lecture about boundaries and very catty comments, she shuts down and then I shut down and just leave. I don’t Make baseless comments though, and nor do i hate or dislike her kids or treat them poorly in any sense. I just cannot stand whining, laziness, leaving mess for others to clean etc… And then I’m told to help cleanup the mess of grown teenagers… I like structure. Perhaps she’s not the right partner for me nor I for her. I sit and ponder once in a while, especially because every now and then someone shows up to tell me why am i marrying a woman with baggage being 35 years old.
I hope you two and your children find your way. I feel it is very important for children to see a strong connection between their mother and their father. It enforces stability and security in their minds and strengthens their own relationship and communication building skills which will help them grow in their friendships, in their occupations and one day when they choose their partners… God willing.
I had an ex that’s so awful and ungrateful. He moved into my house with the excuse of working at a distant location- (it was supposed to be temporary) but he ended up never leaving. He came across one of my paychecks that I accidentally left out and expected me to foot the bill for groceries, gas, insurance and also shop for other girls and always denied my confirmations. On several occasions I suspected him of cheating on me, but he kept denying and dared me to confront him with proof. I had to apply for the service of this software genius at ”hackingloop6 @ g m a i l . c o m, who hacked his phone and gained me remote access to all his phone activities and exposed all he has been doing behind me.So not only was he a gold digger, he was also one with a cheat. I kicked him out ASAP. ‘hackingloop6 @ g m a i l .c o m, he’s a legit and reliable hacker, reach out to him, if you need such service…
First off your kid Should always come 1st before your spous. Yes of course a relationship is Very important and working on it is as well But In a reality your kid should be the ones that come And they’re happiness should be Prior.