No other business capitalizes on the American people’s poor sense of judgment quite like the Halloween costume industry. They’ll do anything to get us to buy one of their latest skimpy, shocking or generally provocative creations.
And guess what? Kids are their biggest market. The tasteless irony of these costumes often goes right over their heads, and the parents buying these costumes for their little ones are either oblivious or enthusiastically buying them, horrifying the sane people each year.
Here’s a roundup of some of the worst Halloween costumes on the market for children – at least in Oh Mother’s opinion. Let’s hope you don’t see kids in these scary outfits on your porch this Halloween.
Road Kill
More than anything, the market has capitalized on young boys’ obsession with blood and guts. But the demand for new gory costumes results in a lot of laughably tasteless duds, such as the “Kids Road Kill Costume.” We give them a nod for the novelty of the idea, but this costume is just … depressing. Have we really gotten to the point where the brutal death of a harmless opossum is good for a laugh? The poor guy’s intestines are unraveling!
Zombie Sock Monkey
Nothing escapes the zombie treatment these days. What could have been a harmless, adorable sock monkey costume had to be made into a terrifying razor-toothed primate. But what’s even scarier is that sizes run small enough for a kindergartener. Bring on the nightmares.
Can of Fart Beans
These costume companies have got every type of kid nailed. Pandering to little dudes who love lowbrow poop humor? These guys are pros. Here’s a costume that is nothing more than a can of beans with a fart joke label. Rudy Tooty? C’mon.
Toilet
Is a can of “butt-blastin'” beans too sophisticated for you? Then maybe the toilet costume is up your alley. So crude and brainless, the very existence of such a costume should offend you. The description promises it’s perfect for “making a stink at your next party.” Har.
Robert E. Lee
Some of these costumes are a little more disconcerting. This Robert E. Lee costume gets uncomfortably close to secessionist sympathizing. Isn’t dressing up like the bad guys from history just inviting a slippery slope towards short mustaches and red armbands next Halloween?
Psychopath Killer
What’s more offensive than making fun of the mentally ill? Perhaps a kids’ costume that implies the murdering of innocent people at the hands of the mentally ill? This “psychopath killer” costume is a surefire way to reinforce stigmas of mental disease and prisoners.
Police Officer
For young girls, costume trends send one message: You can be anything you want in life – as long as you wear a short skirt. Say your daughter wants to dress up like a police officer for Halloween. Let’s try to find her a costume. Yep: It appears her sole choice is to be a highly stylized, sexed-up policewoman with high leather boots and a mini.
Sexy Crayon
OK, let’s try something a bit more neutral. How about … a crayon! There’s no way that these costume guys could corrupt something as innocent as a C
rayola crayon, right? Sigh. Well, there you have it, folks.
French Maid
Fine, we give up. If the rest of the world has gone mad, why not just have your daughter go as a sexy French maid? No, seriously. This really exists. And sizes start in child’s medium. Don’t forget, the feather duster is sold separately.
