Navigating the holiday season can be a challenge for any family, but when you’re parenting a child with autism, the pressure of large gatherings, unfamiliar routines and sensory overload can feel overwhelming. As Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s approach, many parents find themselves juggling the excitement of the season with the anxiety that can come along with it.
How do you balance having a joyful experience for your whole family while respecting your child’s unique needs? We tapped into the expertise of two autism professionals at Henry Ford Health’s Center for Autism and Developmental Disabilities (CADD) in metro Detroit for some practical strategies and compassionate insights.
We share their best tips to help your family thrive during the holidays.
Have a plan for your child when spending time with family
Extended family you only see once a year will want to catch up with your child — but may not always read your child’s signals, especially regarding boundaries. You can preempt any awkward encounters and help your child feel more comfortable, says Sarah Peterson, Manager and Lead Board Certified Behavior Analyst with CADD.
“One of the things I have found to be effective is having a plan for your child,” she recommends. Your child can socialize and say hi for 20 minutes, then go to listen to music or play on the iPad. Everyone eats dinner together, then your child can play on the iPad again. “Some back and forth where they are expected to engage a little bit with family, but not expected to spend the entire time being social because that’s not realistic for a lot of families.”
For best results, communicate this plan to adults, too.
Put family members to work
Family members often want to help, so take them up on it, especially if you are hosting the gathering. Give them a job to do. And, if you’re lucky, you’ll help foster their relationship with your child at the same time.
“Can Uncle Joe throw the football around for a movement break? Does Aunt Imani know where to find noise cancelling headphones if we need them?” says Katie Derkacz, Speech-Language Pathologist with Henry Ford Health. “Some well-meaning extended family members might have a little bit of judgment about helpful accommodations, but that’s because they don’t know the purpose they serve. So, giving them the tools you’ve seen work can be super helpful.”
Ask for a quiet space where your child will be comfortable, but not completely cut off from everyone else.
Find shared interests between your child and their cousins
Not every child feels comfortable running off to play with cousins, especially when they don’t know each other. Collaborate with family members to find shared interests, whether that’s basketball, music or a love of building Lego cities. Even if your child plays alongside — rather than with — cousins, there may be a lot of shared joy happening.
Enlist the help of your therapy team on key goals for the holidays
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Passover and many other holidays include specific, often unfamiliar foods. One parent wanted her child to tolerate Thanksgiving turkey and engaged Derkacz for feeding therapy to meet this goal.
Practice helps, says Derkacz. “We introduced turkey at home in a super low-pressure way. He didn’t show too much interest ahead of Thanksgiving,” she explains, adding that the parent communicated her goal well in advance to grandma, who was hosting. She also told her that she’d bring her own food — not because of grandma’s cooking, but because she wanted to make sure her child ate.
“She had the safe food out and they gave him a little bit of turkey and he ended up tasting it with everybody.” Success!
Bring a dish everyone can enjoy — and that your child loves
When you can contribute to the buffet, your child will always have something to eat. In Peterson’s case, her aunt always serves rice pilaf precisely because Peterson’s brother, who has autism, looks forward to it. “She makes extra and keeps it in the fridge so he can take some home with him as well,” Peterson says.
Anticipate new experiences and pre-expose your child, if you can
Going to a house with a beloved pet dog? “Show your child pictures of dogs or go to the park and talk about dogs,” suggests Derkacz.
But don’t be afraid to politely ask if the dog can be placed somewhere else in the home, away from guests. If that can’t happen, practice some solutions with your child, if they are able to understand instructions, like turning away from the dog or coming to get you, says Peterson.
Help your child communicate and self-advocate, however they are able
If your child is nonverbal and uses an assistive device, program self-advocacy scripts in advance and then practice using them by role playing scenarios, suggests Derkacz. Or, create a little sign with a phrase relevant to the holiday. “Having them use a little sign so they are saying ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy New Year’ is like they’re saying it, but you’re not forcing them to try and do something they don’t have the skill to do yet,” Peterson adds.
If your child uses verbal speech, be sure to model simple phrases based on what you perceive your child is experiencing. “When they’re really little they probably don’t quite have the words to communicate those experiences just yet,” says Derkacz.
With a little preparation and understanding, the holiday season can be a joyful time for your family while respecting your child’s unique needs. By planning ahead and enlisting support from both loved ones and professionals, you can create meaningful moments for everyone.
Expertise from Henry Ford Health’s Center for Autism and Developmental Disabilities. Find more articles like this at Metro Parent’s Your Top Kids Health Questions — Answered!
