Hey, mom and dad: Do you remember those four awkward years called high school? Of course you don’t. You’ve made a conscious effort to forget all about them, right? Until now: You just got a letter (or email or Facebook alert) from the alumni association inviting you to your 10/20/30 year reunion. So suck it up, go show your face, catch up with old friends and try to impress your high school ex. Here’s a humorous list of things you might need to prepare yourself physically – and mentally – for the night.
Reunion-Themed Movie Double Feature
Must-watches before your reunion? Try a couple comedies: Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion – the story of two friends trying their best to appear successful at their 10-year reunion – and Grosse Pointe Blank, starring John Cusack as a depressed hit man who reluctantly goes home to his reunion right here in southeast Michigan. Romy and Michele’s plan backfires and the hit man ends up in a messy shootout, but their intentions are good, so take note! Get both for about $9 a piece on moviemars.com.
Rosetta Stone Language Program
Remember when you told everyone that as soon as you could, you’d get out of this town and move to Paris and really live? But then there was that whole going-to-college thing, because it seemed more practical, and then the whole getting-a-job thing – because you have to pay back those student loans. Well, no one has to know that you never made it to Europe. Pick your country of choice with the award-winning Rosetta Stone language program, and you’ll be fluent in no time. Programs start at $100/month.
Vintage Polaroid Camera
While most people will be taking pictures on their smartphones, surprise your fellow alum by snapping pics and handing out the instant results with this now-vintage Polaroid. Just glimpsing the old camera will remind everyone of how much time has gone by – and seeing the pictures of themselves will really drive the point home. Get it from TheOpenSesame on Etsy for $20. (If this one sells, never fear: Hit up eBay.)
The Flex Belt Ab Toner
You were a ripped jock back in the day. Staying in shape was effortless and made you one of the most popular kids in your class. But when you left the football team, you also left behind regular exercise. So grab a Flex Belt and start melting off all those years of college pizza and adult idleness. The slim, discreet design means you can even wear it to the reunion. Brilliant! Buy one for $199.
‘I’m Not on Facebook’ T-Shirt
You know you’ll be asked about it by nearly every person you run into, so why not cut to the chase? Let them know right away that no, you’re not on Facebook. Especially helpful for dealing with that guy you don’t even remember who insists on finding you online to “stay connected.” Get the shirt on Cafe Press for $26.
Colored Non-Prescription Contact Lenses
Just for kicks, put in these colored contacts and make some people question their sanity. Most people won’t know exactly what’s different about you, but they’ll know that something has definitely changed. If they do ask if your eyes are different, just say, “Hmm, I don’t think so. They’ve always been blue.” Get a pair for $12.95.
Tuxedo T-Shirt
Well, the invite did say business casual. Show everyone that you want to b
e formal, but you’re still here to party. The message will be clear when you arrive sporting this Tuxedo T-Shirt, which comes in a rainbow of color choices for whatever theme your reunion might be. Buy one of these classy numbers at Spreadshirt for $20.99.
